Wow, what happened this year? I have no idea. It went by pretty damn fast if you ask me. That seems to happen more and more as I get older though. Go figure. Definitely wasn’t anything to write home about honestly. A lot of nonsense, a lot of BS, not a lot of memorable moments really. I took a bunch of international trips and those were sort of fun but again, not great. Don’t feel like I accomplished much, made many new friendships, or contributed in a very meaningful way to any cause I care deeply about.

However, just before Christmas, I did attend a meditation retreat where I felt genuinely good about myself and what I was doing. Honestly, that may have been the highlight of this year for me. Nothing went seriously wrong and no one flipped their sh-t at me and I didn’t feel the urge to strangle anyone. It was only a few days long but I gotta say, I really liked it. It was almost like being back at college for a few days.

And actually, another thing I did which I was quite proud of, now that I think of it, I wrote an annual message directed to my college graduating class for my alumni association of which I am now a participating member. Becoming involved with my alumni association feels like a bit of a crapshoot for me at the moment, like “What do I really aim to accomplish by reconnecting with them?” but I’m doing it so we’ll see. I liked the tone I struck in the message quite a bit and it just felt good to write something in a semi-professional context and have it be sent to hundreds of people. I felt official and competent. I love that. One of my favorite feelings in the whole universe: feeling competent. And writing this letter definitely made me feel that way.

So I guess, now that I’m thinking about it, there have been a few good things that happened this year. Also, I’m getting ready to build a house on a lot I now own in another part of the city I live in but that has been kinda crazy: getting permits, working with builders, negotiating the design with the architect (who is also my father), sh-tting my pants thinking about how much money it is costing, etc etc. So that MIGHT be cool at some point but right now it is too abstract and scary and full of hassles to be cool. Don’t get me wrong, it SEEMS like it WILL be cool at some point but so far it’s been a bit crazy.

I stand upon the brink of an entirely new year as I have done many times in the past. Thinking about it logically, nothing is likely to be all that different but I want it to be. I want this year to be the one when I really drive home my points, when I do the things I’ve been avoiding, when I don’t mentally cower in front of the contemplation of everything that could go wrong for me, when I don’t wallow in self-pity, when I have the courage to follow through on what I think is right no matter what other people are suggesting… When I stop searching for that elusive “problem” or “problems” that I KNOW I have but can never discover exactly what it is… When I stop thinking of myself as deficient, not good enough, unsuccessful, inept, fundamentally flawed. I want this year to be the year I say to myself, “I CAN DO IT” and really believe it!

Maybe I’m getting my hopes up a bit high. But I just want to shrug off all the nonsense that may or may not be happening around me and get my side of things straight. Thanks for reading my post. Happy holidays and happy new years to everyone! Let’s get it.