I’m planning to take a trip this fall to Bhutan, a small, mysterious country in the Himalayas. I’m nervous about it. But I’m also really looking forward to it. I haven’t been outside the boundaries of the United States for about 9 years. I am aware that some people have never been outside the United States in their entire lifetimes and would go if they could so I feel very fortunate to have an opportunity like this.

About 10 years ago, I set off from the good ole’ USA on a trip to Japan. I had just finished college and was really looking forward to earning money and seeing a little bit of the world in the process. I went with the intention of teaching ESL (English as a Second Language) and spending a year in Japan, a country which had always fascinated me. Things did not go smoothly upon my arrival however. I had some clashes with the management of a corporation I was working for and the other people teaching ESL in my immediate vicinity, once I got started on my assignment, didn’t like my “style.” To be perfectly honest, I think I was unprepared for the challenges Japan presented as a place to live and a place to work. That was part of it. I also think, somehow, my arrival was simply badly timed. Obama had just become president, the global economy took a dump, and the “goldrush era” of teaching English in Japan (which was pretty big in the 80’s as I understand it) was pretty much over. I’m not blaming anybody for what happened to me in Japan mind you, I’m just saying that I did not go to Japan at the most opportune of times and anyone can tell you, everything is timing. So… Long story short, I lost my job and ended up living in a house for foreigners in some obscure Tokyo neighborhood called Motohasunuma for a few months before I called it quits and went home to regroup.

For me, this was Asia: Part I in my life story. It was exhilarating while it lasted but it didn’t go very well. I met some interesting people, had some good times and I got to see Japan first hand. I didn’t rack up any debt while I was there and I didn’t arouse the ire of the Yakuza or wind up with some international criminal record hanging over my head either. I didn’t exactly make the best impression on my students and co-teachers while teaching English but things certainly could have been worse. All in all, I’d say I did not make a mess. I didn’t succeed exactly but I didn’t make a mess. It was disappointing.

After Japan, I went straight to South Korea. While living in Tokyo in the foreigner house, I applied for several other English teaching jobs and got one in South Korea. They said they needed something called an apostille (which I still don’t really understand what the hell that is) which had to be obtained from my home country in order to go abroad and teach in South Korea. So I went home and got this thing and went back to Asia in a few months. Well, pretty much what happened in Japan, kind of happened all over again in South Korea. I had some personality conflicts with management and with my co-teachers and I didn’t manage to hang on to the job I found while living in Japan. Again, I don’t think it was entirely my fault: I think some of the reasons things went badly in Japan hold true for what happened in South Korea: ie Obama, the world economy, the burst bubble of English teaching. But mostly perhaps I was still just kind of pissed off and unruly and couldn’t keep my head on straight and blew up at my boss/colleague inappropriately. I then found another job teaching English totally by accident and did that for a while until I lost that as well for reasons also unclear to me (my boss said “We cannot have you here.” Don’t know what that meant). I actually got into a fight with some guys from Florida and Canada respectively which I won’t go into depth about here but that was another facet of my Asia experience which wasn’t so hot. Finally, I called it quits in South Korea and went back to the USA again where I’ve been ever since.

Truthfully, I feel as though I never quite came back from Asia at all, I mean not entirely. Like when I took off on that first flight to Japan about 10 years ago, I started on a journey that I haven’t been able to end of my own volition and have been on ever since. What I’m saying is its somehow not like: I went to Japan, came home, went to South Korea, and came home and have been home since then. It’s more like: I went to Japan and then just started traipsing all over the world. It’s not like I didn’t want to go home: I did. I just think I kinda got lost and haven’t been able to find my way back. Physically, geographically, yes, I came back to my home state and started going about the business of life the best I knew how. But spiritually, mentally, emotionally, I’ve been drifting… My body is back in the good Ole’ USA but my soul… I don’t know where that is really.

Getting back to Bhutan… Since coming back home (in body if not in spirit), I have made every effort possible to get my life on track. I’ve been meditating, doing lots and lots of strenuous physical exercise, getting a Master’s degree, attending mental health groups, reading, educating myself on my own time, and staying away from drugs and booze. As a side note: I’ve been celibate for about 9 years believe it or not. I’m puzzled as to why this is. I think its because I blame my lack of success in Japan and Korea, at least partially, on two female teachers who were there the same time I was and made my life somewhat difficult.

I don’t want to get my hopes up but I am pinning quite a few of them onto this trip to Bhutan. To me, this trip represents my third try at independence: from my family, from my country, from my past, from my financial woes, from all sorts of things really. After years of bad experiences, unsuccessful endeavors that lead nowhere, and endless conflicts with other people whom I’ve tried to get close to: this trip is my plan for fixing the loose wire so to speak. Let me say more about that.

I see my personal reality as rather like a machine with lots of mechanisms and wires: all of which, when correctly connected, and functioning as they should, produce an experience of the world which more or less aligns with my expectations of how the world should look, what it should do, where my place in it is, and what can reasonably be expected from other people who live in it. It is my opinion that there is one (maybe several) wire or tube which has been hooked up to the wrong input or the wrong output and is producing some very funny, aberrant images, scenarios, and situations. I think of this wire like a live electrical cable which has been severed from its protective tubing and is jerking and writhing with electricity, spraying sparks in every direction and is always dangerously close to some body of water. And in my day to day, I come across it occasionally, sitting there, in its unrestrained state, menacingly challenging me to do something about it. But right now, I can’t touch it. I know it will get the better of me, I know I don’t have the tools or the self-confidence to wrestle it to the ground and cut its power. I also know that there are men working on and around it, some of whom consistently tell me that it has been fixed, that there’s nothing to worry about anymore, that I can get back to my life anytime I want. These men are lying: they haven’t fixed it even though they say they have but sometimes, when I call them on it and tell them I want to take care of it myself, or that they need to fix it for real, they tell me I’m not allowed to touch it, hands off, official personnel only, that’s ridiculous, of course its been fixed, go on about your business sonny. And I look at the wire, sparking furiously next to their grinning faces as they tell me its all better.

It is hard to explain, but for me, Bhutan represents an opportunity to gear up, arm myself with the appropriate tools, read up on any and everything that might tell me how to fix something like this, and then just deal with it.

It’s tough because this trip is quite a ways off at this point in time and the wire is just sitting there everyday I wake up, creating a mess, cramping my style, getting in my way, and frustrating my attempts to proceed normally with work, life, family, friends, fun, and so forth.

This analogy is not ideal as a matter of fact. My problem(s) is not as simple as a severed sparking wire from a telephone pole or something like that but you get the idea… I mean, imagine living in a neighborhood with a downed power cable that simply never gets fixed, that just lies there day after day in the middle of the street creating the occasional shower of sparks, reminding you that life simply will not return to normal (if there is such a thing) no matter how much you want it to.

So to sum up, I traveled a lot when I was younger and after I got out of college and I’ve been eagerly anticipating doing it again, this time more well-prepared.